04.08.2006 (Saturday), 10:04 PM

Not Perfect Enough, Apparently

intolerant, imperfect, immature, immaterial...

I spent a lot of time today thinking about the future. Many times I thought about ending relationships or stopping doing things in my life that have stopped having (or are starting to not have) as great a meaning as they did before.

It was not an afternoon of wallowing or despair but one of reflection. The only problem is that the reflections were a collection of shimmering. oscillating visions which, if stared at long enough, could make one dizzy. Jumping from goal-to-goal, action-to-action, conversation-to-conversation...the pool rippled constantly and the vision was blurred.

However, the vision's one moment of clarity was when I thought of my immediate family and how when I'm here at home that everything is all in perspective.

I guess if there is one place where I'm allowed to be imperfect, it's here. Elsewhere, I have to be the perfect worker, perfect friend, perfect manager, perfect driver, perfect person, perfect listener....all things that I cannot be 100% of the time regardless of who wants or needs me to be those perfect beings. Sometimes I, like the rippling pool, cannot be perfect enough.

Here, I can laugh, talk, relax, and most importantly, not be afraid. The pool clears, goes glass-like, becomes calm...and allows me to be as imperfect as I truly am.

Posted by wjc