01.14.2006 (Saturday), 12:26 PM


....the drain? thata'way...

No, it's really not supposed to be this way. Not a good way to start the year.

There are times where I feel like I can and do make the right decisions but then spend countless hours re-analysing and over-analysing them after I have made them. Today is one of those days. Fully half of yesterday was also one of those days.

I am scared of being overly demanding, overly frustrated, overly angry, overly disappointed...yet, my heart tells me that I need to make these decisions to keep myself honest. To do otherwise, makes me a liar, an obfuscator, one satisfied with not being satisfied.

Right now I feel like I'm in a cage and there's no way out. I cannot move without pain, guilt, hurt, endless doubt...I sit and think and sit and think. I think there is a shred of assertiveness, dignity and self-awareness inside of me but it all seems to be buried under a mound of bad and worse feelings.

Without these things, I'm like a lifeless shell, circling around a drain, grasping at things to "keep me busy" to keep me from sitting and thinking and sitting and thinking...all for speaking my mind, expressing honesty...and making the decision to do so.

Posted by wjc