09.01.2004 (Wednesday), 11:04 PM

Uncooperative Penis

...it would have been better to have a detachable penis about now...

I have been biking lately. I used to be a long-distance cyclist with trips from the Bay Area to Santa Monica and Death Valley under my belt along with a 38-day trip from Alaska to here to boot.

So, since my knees are still for shit from being way too fat for years upon years until recently, I decide to buy a road bike and regain some of the pleasure of the sprint up a nice hill. And therefore, I have been tooling around town on little loops, building up my endurance. It has been fun...well, up until tonight.

Now that I'm older and much creakier, my body tends to rebel at stuff that it used to put up with. The seat on my bike is nearly comfortable, or so I thought. About 5 minutes into the ride earlier this evening, the seat and my body decided to not fit so well. Pedal, pedal, pedal....adjust. Damn. Pedal, pedal, pedal....adjust. Damn. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. And then it hits me...I am afflicted with UPS (uncooperative penis syndrome).

As with most men, my penis often has a mind of it's own but usually in a good way. This evening the damn thing decide to rebel and make a nice night into a crotch-numbing hell. So I pedaled on, trying to decide to stop and get the knife out of my tool kit and cut the damn thing off or just shove my hand down my bike shorts and fold the thing up so that it would stay put. One would be, well, messy. The other embarassing unless I went into the woods or something like that...

I guess thoughts leaning toward the "severing-the-offending-member" method made the little guy start to behave and the rest of the ride (now truly ruined thanks to it being headstrong - pun intended) was tolerable. But I'm now stuck with WMPBUNTS (will my penis be uncooperative next time syndrome) so what to do? I'm checking into flights to Amsterdam...

Posted by wjc