07.21.2003 (Monday), 07:58 PM

Santa Monica

the beach is just three blocks...that way.

Travelled to Santa Monica for work today to visit our office down yonderbush. And damn if I had been out of practice getting in and out of security at a fucking airport...

First off, Monday morning completely SUCKS (duh) when yr flying especially at San Jose International airport. Good old Homeland Security has seen to make things even slower and more excruciating.

I managed to strip off all of the metal on my person by the time I got to the wand-patrol and stash it in my super-coolio bag (A Triple 5 Soul model, mind you...) after taking nearly five minutes to find the END of the security line which snaked its way to the ROOF of the friggin' airport.

Since I was completely unprepared by the gross mass of humanity trying to make their way, in a spiral fashion, to the gates, I forgot that my sunglasses were dangling from my shirt collar. So I walk through and guess what? Yep, the alarm goes off. I walk again. Same deal. A third time and I'm branded a fucking terrorist and frog-marched (well, ok, NOT frog-marched...) to some seats and ordered to take off my shoes then "spread 'em". In the meantime, my bag with my work laptop is sitting in all its glory awaiting some one to pick it up and go on their merry way, one free computer to their credit. I motion that I need to NOT have my bag carelessly left as easy pickings for anyone else but me and am told to just "stay where you are". (whimper...)

And now I get the royal treatment: wanded several times from back and front with my legs spread, my arms at wingspan position. Then I had to lift one leg and then next. And (oy!) again with the spreading and lifting and the hurting. Then the shoes (Merrell slip-ons). At that point I was looking for the guy with the glove and the lube because you just KNOW that I eat balloons of heroin every night before I go to LA so I can poop them out and get high down there...sheesh. And the thing was...this really (I mean how could you possibly miss them) noticable pair of sunglasses hanging from my shirt collar was the VERY LAST thing they noticed (I actually noticed them...more on what happened when I pointed that out) and it was in THEIR PLAIN sight.

So, I'm almost ready to blow my stack and I realized that my sunglasses were there the whole time and probably the cause of the commotion. I laughed heartily, pulled them off, strode over to the nearest "security" table, slapped them down and stode back declaring with plenty of gloat, "THAT'S what you guys are looking for"... Sheepish but really pissed, the guard-guy-dude casts me a "if-we-were-alone-in-a-room-I'd-beat-you-senseless-while-handcuffed-and-helpless" look, weakly waves the wand yet another time over me and then says that I'm free to go. Harumph.

As a complete anti-climax, the actual trip to Santa Monica was uneventful compared to this early morning roust. However, I did see where that old dude hit the gas instead of the brakes and plowed several Farmer's Market patrons into human guacamole over the weekend. There was the now typical outpouring of signs, flowers and other stuff at the site...it was pretty sad. But even so, I have done my part for Homeland Security and hope to never have to do it again. I think I'll take the bus next time...

Posted by wjc