11.18.2002 (Monday), 07:45 PM

Waterproof

Putz...

I finally got off my formerly fat ass and got to the gym tonight. It was only after I talked with my buddy Scott (Hi Scott!) about how the Japan trip was such a workout that I hadn't returned to my regular pace. BTW, Scott and I spent the better part of two years working together at a sometimes cool and mostly hellish startup company and he took an interest in my health, as work buddies sometimes do, if only to grasp at something sane and tangible after days on end of playing "dodge-the-dueling-millionaires" but I digress...

So, I again set a personal best of run-jogging 25 straight minutes with a 5 minute chaser. And goddamn if those Underworld songs don't provide fodder for exhaustion...

Anyway, after the sweat-festa, I headed for the shower. As I approached, I heard voices coming from the shower area and I assumed that it was two workout buddies having a bit of a manly chat about "feeling the burn" or "laying the pipe to Ellen" (old joke...) whilst casting furtive glances at each other's genitalia to see how they "measured up". Hell, I know I would do that...um, well if I wasn't the only one in the shower usually and...um, I probably wouldn't have the burly banter and...um, being the guy I truly am, I would have no shame in way more than a furtive glance and...um, never mind...is it getting hot in here?

I hang my towel up on an available hook and strut (ahem), slink into the shower and to my utter amazement, there was only one guy in the shower who looks to be having a conversation with himself. Then I realized what was really going on...

The guy was talking on a cell phone while standing under a broken shower head which was spewing water by the gallon. Let me repeat that, this guy was on a MOTHERFUCKING CELL PHONE in the SHOWER at the GOLD'S GYM on Hamilton Avenue! It really doesn't get more perversely dada than this tableau of "I'm-much-too-busy-to-even-afford-myself-some-quiet-cleaning-time-to-
my-sweaty-ass-that-I-have-to-talk-on-cell-phone-while-wasting-gallons-of-water"
human excess.

OK, I truly believe I have seen it all. Not content to cause a hazard while walking; causing even more of a danger while driving; total annoyance in a theater-library-my staff meeting--this ASSCLOWN is now in MY shower talking on a CELL PHONE. I nearly fell on the floor trying to stifle a laugh (or was that physical revulsion). I had to work hard at it because getting into an altercation while in a public shower, totally naked (what, you think I wear those sissy shower sandals?...bring on the Athletes Foot, motherfucker...) with a GUY ON A CELL PHONE is not at all what I wanted. (Although the thought did run through my mind at some point but the guys in that particular thought wouldn't have been holding CELL PHONES and...um, never mind...)

Then all of a sudden, I felt real puny (no, not that way...sheesh, it was a hot shower after all...) like I wasn't lucky enough to be so busy that I would have to conduct business in a Gold's Gym shower ON A CELL PHONE. I washed; I rinsed; I dried; I got the fuck out of there, fully creeped out and feeling just a little bit unlcean.

Posted by wjc