07.08.2002 (Monday), 06:00 PM

The Wait

Hi Meriko! My favorite word is...charcuterie!

Between the annual summer party with Tom and Carol (and preparing loads of great food and trying hard not to eat too much of it) and trying like hell to modify my food intake the rest of the time (it's *not* a diet, dammit!), it was a hectic two weeks of waiting and more waiting.

A few days ago I was asked to make a commitment. I said that I couldn't and that I was waiting. I was told, in no uncertain terms, to make up my mind and "stop grazing at the buffet table" . So now I was both impatient and pissed off and so I lied right through my teeth. "Yes", I said. "Sign me up...". But anyone could see that I intend to wait and then make my final decision. And if I'm an unreliable asshole because of it, then so be it.

I'd like to consider myself a patient person but I guess it's just not in the cards. I want and crave resolution so I can go on to the next thing. So I can resolve that and so on and so on et ad infinitum...

The big problem is that now that I'm attempting to be patient, I have become somewhat randomly dysfunctional. I drifted off at work this afternoon and woke sitting like a big, white-faced Buddha fully engulfed in meditation bliss. I didn't start out meditating--I was just staring at the monitor and waiting. Come to think of it, that was the most relaxed I had been in the past two weeks...so I wonder, will resolution bring back chaos and stress? Maybe I should be thankful for a respite despite my growing impatience.

Posted by wjc