10.02.2001 (Tuesday), 11:41 PM

Dry month ( Farmer's Almanac )

It's hot again...I have a great affinity for a long Nektar-like space jam...perhaps I'll light up a bowl of something on my way to Jupiter...

You know, it's been unseasonably warm here. It's the beginning of October and it's pushing the 90's. The house is hot; my clothes stick to me involuntarily; my brain is still clouded by thoughts of destruction both personal, personnel and worldwide.

September was the driest month I have ever had. So much happened. So many worries brought to the surface. Yeah, yeah...WTC... No. It's not that at all.

I have had the privilege to always be in a position where there have been some semblance of checks and balances. The month of September brought an end to that. Now, I don't *think* I'm a control freak (although I probably am at heart...sigh) but no checks and balances seems "out of control" to me.

When I am being tied up or flogged or tortured, losing control is good. Reality melts away--I take on a different persona--I change. I'm not too sure what to expect but I accept it anyway. It's a very true and pure feeling. I take responsibility for what happens to me and so does my tormentor.

When the responsibility is stripped away from me against my wishes and not for any other reason than to force a situation that I have little interest in or are not involved in at all or that shouldn't be forced, I get silently angry and belligerent stew in my own self-loathing. In most of these cases, I am not allowed to do the right and honest thing. I hate lying and I hate being lied to. I hate having to *spin* something to the point of untruth. It makes my skin crawl. And September was a month of spin.

Coworkers and friends alike have all had some sort of role in all of this but it's usually me doing the spinning to them to make sure that they know that I still love them, still wish them well, still fight for them. But if given the chance I'd just like to crawl into a hole for a few weeks and let *them* figure it out. Let them make the decisions in a climate of uncertainty and doubt. Let them figure out what's best rather than have me give an opinion, advice or marching order. It's not that I don't want to support them but I just need a break now and then.

I have never felt so manic as I have in the past three weeks. It's like that supposed Islamic punishment of having two bulls tied to a left and right arm and being slowly pulled apart. Or I race up some mountain only to find very little. And what very little is there is inadequate. It has been going on now for weeks and so well scripted and rehearsed that I feel like I'm living a real-life semi-Groundhog Day. Up-down-damn-up-down-d'oh...

I am going away on Thursday of this week. Yes, I'm flying. Yes, I'm coming back. I'm going to the desert to try and find a place with no mountains where the scrub thrives on little or nothing and everything and anything available has to be adequate.

Posted by wjc