07.28.2001 (Saturday), 12:41 AM

So Tired

I went to lie down and all I heard was the heart pounding in my ears...the woosh subsided once I took my place...

I feel like I'm running a marathon while trying to catch apparitions with little more than fleeting shadows. I poke and prod and seem to get nowhere at times and then seem to have breakthroughs at others but there's always lingering doubt. Did I get them all? Have I filled all the holes? Have I really shut them out? Or are they still lurking and laughing? I know that somewhere there has to be an end but for now there's no end in sight.

I have been a prisoner in my room, sliding back and forth between two worlds: one safe and bright; one mysterious and dark. I look up solutions in the light and apply them in the dark. If I could just brute-force them all to hell--force them to scream out in pain--force them to STOP, I would be much happier.

Do I want to give up and go back to the old ways, Janet asks me. Nah, I reply, knowing full well that the options are full freedom or total submission. That full freedom sure looks great on the surface but is fraught with doubt, responsibility and anxiety. Total submission is best left for other activities where my control is much less linked to my sense of right and wrong.

I bolted up from the sofa with lurch and immediately felt like I was going to fall down. I managed to make it to the bathroom but the room spun like the Octopus at the Boardwalk. I was so tired but the only thing that would keep me awake was to continue running the marathon again. I'm in the race sitting here trying not to let myself be beat by those who would take without asking. And so I sit and stare and poke and prod and continue with creating lingering doubt.

Posted by wjc