07.16.2001 (Monday), 11:36 PM

I Guess I Just Don't Know...

I'm still half way between the gutter and the stars...Albert is snoring at my feet and the fan feels good on my left arm and leg...

It started again today. I drive to work and feel nothing. I have no drive, no desire, no reason. I find myself thinking about what would happen if I just decided to not show up for work or if I told my manager that he could find someone else to do my job or if I just up and quit. Today. But it was the same as Friday which was the same as the rest of the week. Too much shit to deal with, too much social retardation, too many things out of my control that I am somehow *now* responsible for. The life of a guy who doesn't want to be a manager any more. Janet says that I'm a manager because I'm a "people person". I want to be a singular person again. Enough with dealing with others--let me do something by myself for once.

It's not the Monday blues because it has been happening every day for the past three weeks. The only time it feels good is when I'm nowhere near Palo Alto for an entire day. Driving home, although it should make me feel better, sinks me into a deeper pit of despair. Now with all of the other stuff, I suddenly don't care. Idiot drivers, a majority of drivers in California, no longer raise my hackles and make me growl and bark. Damn, I feel ALIVE when I rail and mutter under my breath and struggle to get away from them. (I don't gesture anymore since I'd rather avoid being shot at...) Right now, they drive all over me because I have somehow lost the will to fight. Want to cut me off? Go right ahead. Pissed off at me for no good reason? Give me the finger. I won't react or swerve or do ANYTHING because I simply...don't...care. I can't get away because I don't want to. Just hit me and be done with it...

Tomorrow will be better, won't it? Sure. Sure it will.

Posted by wjc